What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 00:48
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I said to her
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
How do I develop the patience to read books?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What is your best gay fantasy?
I waited trembling.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was seconnd youngest,
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What habits do happy couples have?
I have no regrets .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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Comes on , in middle age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
(And it was in our own minds.)
What is the best way to get over your ex?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
What makes someone feel "rich enough" in different societies?
All the time i was locked up.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She married twice! .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Who then, do I blame.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She found it foreign!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So, i spoilt her more .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I will be 64.
And i lived it daily.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Put me off passion for life!!
I was very sick at this time too.
But, we were locked up after school.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He knew the spot.
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I don,t even have a pension.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She wouldn,t have been !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is soul school!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were not on the streets..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It was going to be , some day.
What did i know ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was scared of men, in general
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Would this be the day?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I think the readers, may guess!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was 9 years of age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
So whats the point in blame.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im still living with it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was in good health!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot live in the past .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.