What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 03:31
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were not on the streets..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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This is soul school!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
How can I fall asleep fast at night?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
How many trans people are lawful gun owners?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do so many 18 to 29-year-old men struggle in dating?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
How do you weigh in on the Vance-couch conversation?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was seconnd youngest,
I never cut or harmed myself..
I think the readers, may guess!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why am I so jealous towards couples? Why am I tired of being single and feel my life is over?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was very sick at this time too.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She married twice! .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She loved him until the end.
I was scared of men, in general
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So, i spoilt her more .
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did i know ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He knew the spot.
My life is so biszare .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I don,t even have a pension.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I said to her
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Would this be the day?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She wouldn,t have been !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Ive learnt so much.
I have no regrets .
I was 9 years of age.
When she asked me how she looked .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Who then, do I blame.?
Put me off passion for life!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
All the time i was locked up.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I waited trembling.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I write beautiful poetry .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So whats the point in blame.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She found it foreign!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My family never makes their pension either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i do to all so called friends.?
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And i lived it daily.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.